Wikipedia:Peer review/Scream/Childhood/archive1

Scream/Childhood

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A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for June 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because… I would like to seen it to FAC at some point and could do with some advise, especially in regard to prose.

Thanks, — R ² 00:01, 6 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Image review as requested: The fair use rationale on the image page should explain why the image is used to illustrate something that words cannot fully explain. As such, a good rationale should not be simply "to show a concept", but should also explain why the concept could not be explained in words or significant.

File:SCREAMjacket.jpg: explain why it is used to identify the article
File:Michael Jackson Scream.ogg: explain why this must be there for the article's commentary (hint:"The music has polarized; it's either clipped, choppy and electronic or glossy and sumptuous, only occasionally trying to combine the two. Most of the time, Jackson sounds as if he's singing through clenched teeth, spitting out words in defiance of any and all persecutors"." does this clip have that?)
File:Michaeljanetscream.jpg: explain why this is needed to convey something words cannot explain. (hint: "Janet Jackson takes on a darker persona, previously unseen in her music videos. Jim Farber of the New York Daily News described her as "Sporting a thick thatch of wig hair, and eyes darkened by coal-black makeup...sullen and arty...Janet, however, never looked tougher. Or more in control"," would likely be of help...)
File:Michael Jackson - Childhood.ogg: what kind of difficult hard to express with words alone effect is this sample illustrating? This whole chunk of emotive reception, "Jon Pareles described it as a "defense show...Over tinkling keyboards and strings that could be sweeping across a cinemascope panorama, he croons [the lyrics]". He described it as "creepy" yet "lushest". In the song, Jackson states, "No one understands me...They view it as such strange eccentricities, 'cause I keep kidding around". He invokes "the painful youth I've had" and asks the public to, "Try hard to love me" and, with a breaking voice, asks, "Have you seen my childhood?". James Hunter believed, "uncut Hollywood fluff like "Childhood"...has zero point of view on itself; its blend of rampaging ego and static orchestral pop is a Streisand-size mistake". Chris Willman of the Los Angeles Times described it as "dynamically enunciated reading and maudlin string arrangement directly invoke Streisand". Tim Molloy, of the Associated Press, called it a sweet sounding pleading song. Patrick Macdonald of The Seattle Times described "Childhood" as "a sad, self-pitying song, but quite moving and beautiful". Taraborrelli observed that the song was not purely about his bad childhood years, but was also a plea for compassion and understanding.", should be what this clip's rationale should state what it is attempting to clarify.
File:Michael Jackson Childhood screenshot.JPG: the media in the article most qualified to be violating free use. Jackson, sitting on a stump with a child-like persona, can be fairly easy to visualize. I do not think there is anything real significant in this video worthy of illustration. "A Chris Van Allsburg-style vision of children in flying airships, crusading through a forest at night" might perhaps require illustration, but is it that significant of the music video? Most likely not, possibly this section should be bare of images.

I recommend looking at a few recent FAs (films most likely) to see how their copyrighted images are handled on their rationale. Jappalang (talk) 12:54, 7 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, replied on your talk page to. :) — R ² 13:05, 7 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, all done and removed the music video to Childhood. — R ² 01:46, 20 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments by — Σ xplicit

I noticed in the lead that it mentions that "Childhood" is on the B-side twice (first and third paragraph).
Jackson played many of the instruments. Since we're speaking of "Scream" here, it's unclear which Jackson we're talking about.
I'm assuming $7 million dollars is in American currency; try linking the dollar sign as [[United States dollar|$]].
I'm seeing a few tense problems. For example, It would become the main theme song… should be It became the main theme song…, etc. Also, isn't main theme song a bit irrelevant? Theme songs are usually the main song to anything.
…37 year history of Billboard. Was it the 37th year when it debuted at number five, or the 37th year as Billboard stands today? Omitting '37 year' wouldn't hurt. This also occurs in the 'Commercial reception of "Scream/Childhood"' section.
…Jackson and the press had a difficult relationship. As stated above, it is unclear which Jackson we're talking about. Also, this sentence is somewhat odd. Perhaps you should describe the problems tabloids wrote about Jackson as opposed to calling it a relationship.
The video shows Jackson poking fun not only at the press but also the situation he was in. What situation was he in at the time of this song?
In 1993, the relationship between Jackson and the press soured entirely when he was accused of child sexual abuse. Again, this really shouldn't be considered a relationship.
"Scream" was written, composed and produced by the Jackson siblings… This reads as if all the Jackson siblings wrote the song.
Jackson was credited for playing instruments such as… Michael or Janet?
In the section 'Leaking of "Scream"', it doesn't seem to explain how the radio stations obtained the song. Any info on that?
The 4:46 minute music video for "Scream" was choreographed by Jackson… Michael or Janet?

Will get to the other half of the article a bit later. — Σ xplicit 02:50, 22 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"Childhood" is in part, a biographical reference to Jackson's difficult years as a youngster, such as the relationship with his father and the pressures of being world famous from such a young age—as the lead member of The Jackson 5. This paragraph is not only short, but not cited.
Joseph would often trip up… What does trip up mean?
In the HIStory album booklet there is a drawing of Jackson as a child. He is huddled in corner of the room and looks scared; The electric cord of his microphone has snapped. On one corner wall are the lyrics to "Childhood", the other wall shows Jackson's signature. This paragraph is too short to merit its own section. It should probably be merged with another.
Jason James Richter play's a minor role in the video. This should be cited.
By the end of August 1995 it was certified Gold and Platinum by the RIAA for shipment's of a million copies in the U.S. It can't be certified both Gold and Platinum at the same time. I suggest removing the former.

— Σ xplicit 04:29, 22 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

- Thanks for the advise, I'll start cutting through these shortly. — Please comment R ² 13:58, 22 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

MaJic's comments

RE artwork: could multiple artwork be fair here? i have art for the remix release, just the song itself (says simply scream) and a separate childhood cover. MaJic (talk) 16:59, 1 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

TechOutsider's comments

WP:MoS#Article titles, headings, and sections; avoid using "Scream" in headings. Readers understand you are referring to "Scream". TechOutsider (talk) 10:52, 4 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]