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Wikipedia:Peer review/Ronnie Wallwork/archive1

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Ronnie Wallwork

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I believe it has the potential to become a Good Article. One specific piece of information that is currently missing is the number of Wallwork's apps and goals for the England under-20 team. Any help finding this would be appreciated (I have provided some links on the article's talk page that may provide a starting point)

Thanks, Jameboy (talk) 23:18, 17 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Ruhrfisch comments: Interesting article about a player I have never heard of. Here are some suggestions for improvement:

  • A model article is useful for ideas on style, structure, etc. There are 96 FAs at Category:FA-Class football articles, many on players, that may be useful as models.
  • The lead needs to be expanded per WP:LEAD. The lead should be an accessible and inviting overview of the whole article. My rule of thumb is to include every header in the lead in some way.
  • Avoid using words like "currently" in He is currently unattached, having played most recently for Sheffield Wednesday. Instead try to put things into context like He is unattached as of June 2008, having played most recently for Sheffield Wednesday.
  • There is almost no information about his "alleged" attack on a referee in Belgium. Comprehensiveness is a FA requirement and I think for GA they would want more details on this too. Since he was found guilty (served a sentence imposed by a court) wouldn't that drop the "alleged" part?
  • Also thought there could be more detail on the stabbing incident - why was he stabbed, for example?
  • Added a couple more details again. According to the court case, it seems it was an argument over a woman. I'm not sure the best way to write this in so have so far left it. Peanut4 (talk) 00:40, 24 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Avoid or explain jargon - see WP:JARGON. For example, The Hawthorns is referred to twice times, but is not linked until the second time (should be linked the first time, and not the second) and is never explained in some brief way.
Indeed. Referring to a club's stadium in this way is perhaps more of a journalist's style. It doesn't add much to the article so I have re-phrased the article to exclude it. --Jameboy (talk) 23:45, 6 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Article could use a copyedit - one example - why not combine these two sentences On November 30, 2006, Wallwork was stabbed seven times whilst on a night out at the Sugar Lounge night club in Manchester.[42] He was stabbed in the hand, back and stomach. to get something like On November 30, 2006, Wallwork was stabbed seven times in the hand, back and stomach whilst on a night out at the Sugar Lounge night club in Manchester.[42]
  • When I read someone was banned for life for attacking a ref and stabbed in a bar fight, I start to wonder if e has some issues. Is there any sort of commentary on him as a person / footballer that could be used here? WHat about comment on his style of play?
There is already a quote from Bryan Robson regarding his footballing qualities, although I'd like to add more material on his style of play if I can find it. Without any firm evidence, we can't say whether he has "issues" or not. We should certainly not attempt to link the two incidents, since the stabbing was an unprovoked attack. --Jameboy (talk) 23:45, 6 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
  • Any information on his personal life that could be added?
  • Refs look good
  • Please use my examples as just that - these are not an exhaustive list and if one example is given, please check to make sure there are not other occurrences of the same problem.

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Wikipedia:Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). Yours, Ruhrfisch ><>°° 18:35, 23 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from ChrisTheDude (talk · contribs)

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  • "and has also spent more than two months out of the game in 2006 and 2007 after he was stabbed in a nightclub." - lose the "has"
  • "Wallwork was born in Newton Heath, Manchester. " - very short sentence, maybe combine with the next one....?
  • There's a lot of consecutive sentences in the first paragraph which all begin "He (such and such)" - maybe try and vary the language a bit
  • "he grabbed referee, Amand Ancion, by the throat" - no need for commas round the ref's name
  • "However, when his mother died, he and his team mates each wore a black arm band for the match against Bolton Wanderers in February 2003" - the "however" makes it seem like this sentence is in some way qualifying the previous sentence, which isn't in fact the case, so I would ditch it
  • "Bradford, who were on the verge of administration" - suggest "administration" be wikilinked to something appropriate to make it clearer to non-footy fans
  • "Back in the top flight" - "top flight" is a bit slangy
  • "The club engineered a "Great Escape" from relegation" - why is "great escape" in quotation marks and with capital letters. It makes it look like this is some form of official name for the act of avoiding relegation, rather than simply a bit of tabloid speak
  • "During the match between Barnsley and West Brom, later the same day, live on Sky Sports, there was a "Get well soon Ronnie!" message that repeatedly popped up." - consider rewording this, it reads very poorly. Also, "West Brom" is an informal contraction/slang
  • Under the "honours" heading, don't use "Premiership", the correct name of the competition is "Premier League"

Other than these points, all looks good, I think it should easily make GA -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 07:51, 15 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Many thanks for the comments, I think I have now addressed them all. --Jameboy (talk) 21:33, 15 July 2008 (UTC)[reply]
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