Wikipedia:Featured article candidates/Magdalena Neuner/archive1

The following is an archived discussion of a featured article nomination. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the article's talk page or in Wikipedia talk:Featured article candidates. No further edits should be made to this page.

The article was not promoted by Dabomb87 15:57, 20 July 2009 [1].

Magdalena Neuner

Nominator(s): EnemyOfTheState_|talk 18:38, 22 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I am nominating this for featured article because I believe it meets the FA criteria. The article had a peer review here. EnemyOfTheState_|talk 18:38, 22 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comment – All caps in the references should be removed. I want to take a close look at the prose later, but will hold off for now. One thing I noticed during a brief scan was that the season link for 2005–06 goes to 2006–07 instead. Giants2008 (17-14) 23:41, 27 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed the references and the incorrect link. EnemyOfTheState_|talk 01:04, 28 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Took me longer to come back here than I wanted, but time for the promised prose review.

"She started biathlon when she was nine years old and ~~she~~ won five junior world championship titles from 2004 to 2006." The subject of the sentence has already been made clear, so the struck word adds nothing. There are numerous other examples of this in the article.
"As of March 2009, Neuner has won 14 World Cup races and ~~she has~~ achieved 22 podium finishes."
"to become a member in the government-funded Customs-Ski-Team." "in" → "of"? Of course, I dont know which word is commonly used in Germany.
Early life: "who are both aspiring biathletes as well and they participate in junior competitions." Remove "they", as it makes the sentence awkward.
"She started alpine skiing when she was four years old and ~~she~~ later tried various other winter sports at her hometown ski club SC Wallgau."
"One of her team mates is alpine ski world champion Maria Riesch." Should "ski" be "skiing"?
Career: "she claimed two silver medals (pursuit and relay), and ~~she~~ repeated her win in the sprint discilpine."
2005–06: "she was fourth in the sprint and ~~she~~ came in ninth in the mass start race."
2006–07: "her World Cup wins four through seven." I didn't think this read well and would rather see something along the lines of "giving her seven career World Cup wins." Giants2008 (17-14) 15:27, 4 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]
- Fixed the issues above. EnemyOfTheState_|talk 16:32, 4 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"She ended her first complete season fourth in the Overall Biathlon World Cup and ~~she~~ finished second in the pursuit discipline." Similar to a few of the above comments.
2007–08 season: "Neuner decided to again compete at Junior/Youth World Championships". Add "the" in the middle?
Spell out the International Biathlon Union.
"She again won the Biathlon Award for Female Athlete of the Year, and ~~she~~ was voted the best biathlete...".
"She also received her second Goldener Ski of the DSV, and ~~she~~ came in third".
"She beat team mate Kati Wilhelm by 0.2 seconds in the Ruhpolding sprint race and ~~she~~ also won...". That should be enough struck shes to get the point across. Please audit for this throughout.
"She finishing eighth in the sprint...". "finishing" → "finished".
"she came in seventh in mass start race." Again, is "the" needed in the middle? Unsure on this because I'm unfamiliar with what phrasing is used for such events.
Skiing: "today" may be seen as too time-sensitive.
Shooting: Remove space in "per cent"? Or do they use this in Europe? Also remove spaces in some percentages (the ones inside parentheses).
- "Per cent" is correct British English spelling.
Record: "she again claim three gold medals". "claim" → "claimed".
Captions that are full sentences should have periods at the end.

Unfortunately, I'm inclined to oppose due to the large amount of prose tightening that is required here. The excessive number of "shes" is the most serious issue, but the entire text could use some attention. Giants2008 (17-14) 01:41, 9 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

I tried to address the issues. I guess the main problem is the "and she" construct when "she" is already used earlier in the sentence. I removed all of them except in the last sentence of the first paragraph of the '2008–09 season' section and in the last sentence of the 'skiing' section; in both cases, I don't think the "she" can be removed. EnemyOfTheState_|talk 16:33, 9 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments - sources look okay, links checked out with the link checker tool. Note I did not evaluate the non-English sources, which make up a good chunk of the references for this article. Ealdgyth - Talk 14:32, 29 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Oppose for now on 1a and 1c grounds. I concur with Giants2008 that the prose needs work. It's dull, and is mostly a list of statistics in narrative form. Lots of repetition (quickly proved, quickly emerged, etc.) ungainly phrases like "who are both aspiring biathletes as well and participate in junior competitions", "repeated her win", "did not start in the individual race in order to prepare", etc. Heavy reliance on primary sources (statistics sites) is worrying; the sparse information collected from secondary sources is unverifiable. The entire article reads like a hagiography; there is no critical discussion at all. --Laser brain (talk) 20:38, 14 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comment. Images need alt text as per WP:ALT. Eubulides (talk) 09:17, 15 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comment. I don't believe I can address the objections here; I suppose the nomination can be closed. EnemyOfTheState_|talk 17:05, 16 July 2009 (UTC)[reply]

The above discussion is preserved as an archive. Please do not modify it. No further edits should be made to this page.