| This user is a student editor in University_of_Alabama/Relational_Communication_-_COM_563_(Summer) . |
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editHello, Aniuni, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Shalor and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 13:22, 25 June 2018 (UTC)
Instructor Feedback for Wiki Draft
editLead section: I think it would be best to determine whether it is more appropriate to title this article “Hyperpersonal Theory” or “Hyperpersonal Model” because using theory and model together could be confusing. The first sentence is a little cumbersome with the phrase “is related…” When you say “it stems from interpersonal communication” I’m not exactly sure what the “it” is. Are you referring to the theory? If so, it seems awkward to say that the theory stems from interpersonal communication. The theory helps to explain interpersonal communication via a specific medium (mediated communication). Although the quote from Schumacher is good it is preferable to paraphrase this quote in your own words and cite the source.
Background: Good info about Walther, but try to avoid using quoted material from his website. You can direct readers there with a link. I think you can provide a little information about Walther, but there could be more about the theory itself. Why was this theory created? What were scholars working on at the time that necessitated the development of hyperpersonal theory?
Uses section: The two directions of hyperpersonal theory are quoted and should be paraphrased. The paragraph on CMC has some good info but it is a little difficult to follow, especially the first few sentences. Look at revising this paragraph for clarity and organization.
Applications: The Walther section could be revised and moved to create a new section called something like “theoretical propositions.” Then you should expand on each of the four main components. The last sentence in this section needs more explanation. What does it mean for an online relationship to exceed an offline relationship? The Jiang et al. section is a good example for the application section. Try to eliminate quotes unless absolutely necessary and try to paraphrase in your own words instead. The phrase “the idea of online dating” seems like an awkward word choice. Maybe the phenomenon of online dating or the context of online dating would improve readability.
The critique section points out some of the challenges presented by Walther, but these are more challenges to research rather than a critique of hyperpersonal theory. You could provide some critiques made by others of the theory or provide your own. Overall a good start, but there will need to be some revising in terms of paraphrasing and expanding a few sections. Jrpederson (talk) 17:47, 3 July 2018 (UTC)
Thanks!
editHi Amber! I was just reviewing your peer review notes on my article again to be sure I made the changes you suggested, and I saw the kind note you wrote to me today. I hope that I was as helpful to you as you were to me. I really enjoyed your topic. And, thank you again for your help with my article. Talk to you soonDougok (talk) 20:46, 8 July 2018 (UTC)