 | This page contains material that is kept because it is considered humorous. Such material is not meant to be taken seriously. |
Welcome to Slakr's Torch and Pitchfork Emporium (TPE). We stock all sorts of equipment for specialty situations requiring immediate response on Wikipedia.
Locate-a-Mob™
editFor no charge to our customers, we'll gladly bring you the latest angry mobs locations through our Locate-a-Mob™ service. With our patented Mob-O-Meter™ technology, we find the best hotspots and rank them the highest. At a glance:
- Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard/Incidents (Mob-O-Meter: very high)
- Wikipedia:Requests for arbitration (Mob-O-Meter: high)
- Wikipedia:Administrators' noticeboard (Mob-O-Meter: high)
- Wikipedia:Requests for comment (Mob-O-Meter: medium)
- Wikipedia:Requests for mediation (Mob-O-Meter: low – the T&PE recommends avoiding this and other rational venues at all costs)
Current stock
edit| Item/SKU | Description |
|---|---|
 |
Standard issue pitchfork – good for most mob situations. Provides excellent lateral coverage, is cheap enough for giving to your supporters, and it's great for positioning the target(s) for later tarring and feathering. |
 |
Olympic grade EverTorch™ – With the EverTorch, you never have to worry about your fire going out. After all, what's a mob without its torch? Fuel sold separately. |
 |
The HeadSplitter™ – tired of targets running up a tree, out of the reach of normal pitchforks? The HeadSplitter™ was made just for that. Simply tie a few of these around the trunk and your target will have a headache so bad they'll regret ever crossing your path. Since it's heavily weighted toward the prongs, it's great for throwing, too! |
 |
Custom burn-in-effigy statues! – Sure, you can't write or say personal attacks, but you might be interested in sending messages to your foes in other ways. We'll custom-make a flammable likeness of your enemy, and all you'll have to do is kick the tires and light the fires! Glowing eye batteries not included. |
 |
ElectroSafe™ torch – never burn your fellow mob members accidentally ever again! With this battery-powered, modernized version of the old-style mob torches, you and your angry mob can be safe from those nasty third degree burns while still being able to track down your prey. |