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Wikipedia:WikiProject Military history/Peer review/John S. Loisel

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John S. Loisel

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I would like to improve this article to A-class from its current GA class. It has failed one previous ACR while it was a B-class article, and subsequently passed a GA review. Looking for any and all suggestions, thanks. (GregJackP (talk) 23:17, 15 April 2010 (UTC))[reply]

AustralianRupert

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Sorry for taking so long getting to this one. Overall I think this article is quite good. I have the following suggestions:

  • I suggest slightly rewording the first sentence to "...was an American air ace, credited with having shot down..." ("credited with" being the words added in);
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • the lead seems like it could be tightened a bit. I'd suggest putting the comment about Loisel spending more time in combat than any other American in World War II in the second sentence of the lead as it seems fairly notable. I'd then discuss the "lesser" details. The comment about becoming a career Air Force officer probably should be attached to the same sentence as the sentence where he joins the USAAF in 1941;
  Done - as to combat time, could you look at it now? It just doesn't look right when I move the career officer part. GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • I suggest adding his age on death to the last sentence in the lead;
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • in the Early life section you start two consequtive sentences with "Simon Loisel". Can one be reworded to avoid repitition?
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • do you know which high school Loisel attended?
I "think" that he attended the Catholic high school, but I haven't been able to find out for sure, so I haven't included it in the article. GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • is the comment about him mentally preparing himself for battles to come relevant in an encyclopedia?
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • the second paragraph of the World War II section seems a bit muddled. I think the "Indeed he quickly showed his abilities once he started flying an aircraft..." should be before the bit about him shooting down five Japanese fighters;
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • the "landings at Cape Cloucester" I think is a typo (shouldn't it be Cape Gloucester?), also I suggest wikilinking this to "Battle of Cape Gloucester"
  Done GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • in the Later life section, should it be "He was survived" rather than "He is survived"? (not sure myself, but it just sounds strange).
I thought so too, but one of the other editors (I think in the earlier ACR it is on the article talk page) said it should be the way it is now, so I changed it. I'm completely open to doing it either way. GregJackP (talk) 19:46, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Anyway, that is it from me. Good work so far with the article and good luck with taking it further. Cheers. — AustralianRupert (talk) 16:34, 29 April 2010 (UTC)[reply]

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