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Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Max Mosley

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Max Mosley

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Current GA article looking for comments to help it improve towards FA. Subject is the president of the Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, which promotes motor vehicles worldwide and is the international governing body for motorsport. The man himself has been a barrister, racing driver, team owner and sporting administrator. His father was Oswald Mosley (pre-war leader of the British Union of Fascists), and Max had some early political involvement with his father. Likely problems are neutrality and explanation of racing terminology for those new to it. Thanks in advance. 4u1e (talk) 17:29, 13 February 2008 (UTC)[reply]

Diniz's comments

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A few things which occur to me upon reading the article:
    • The FIA is the governing body for Formula One and other international motor sports - should motor sports be linked to Auto racing?
    • From an early age Mosley had an involvement in politics; in his teens he arranged parties for the Union Movement, his father's post-war party. - "parties" as in social functions or political organisations? A bit confusing with the same word used in the next sentence. - agreed trying 'social activities' instead.
    • In this role he drew up a legal document which is now known as the first Concorde Agreement, this agreement was put in place to settle a dispute in Formula One between Fédération Internationale du Sport Automobile (FISA) which was the ruling body of Formula One and the teams. - Try "In this role he drew up a legal document which is now known as the first Concorde Agreement. This agreement was put in place to settle a dispute in Formula One between the Fédération Internationale du Sport Automobile (FISA), which was the ruling body of Formula One, and the teams."
    • Jean-Marie Balestre should be linked in the opening paragraph. - done
    • There is often controversy surrounding Mosley's presidency of the FIA which has led to speculation on his retirement, Mosley himself announced his retirement in 2004 - another sentence break needed.
    • Both Nazi and Germany can be linked in the Family and early life paragraph. - linked as Nazi Germany
    • Their children were refused entry to several schools, due to a combination of their wildness and their parents' reputation, and were initially tutored at home instead. - a source for this sentence would be nice.
    • He met his future wife Jean Taylor at Union Movement party, they were married in 1960. - replace the comma with a semi-colon.
    • While Mosley was at University, his wife was given tickets to a race at Silverstone. - this makes me curious to know what type of race it was. Is there any possibility of finding it out?
    • racing alongside Piers Courage.[16] - who was killed in a Formula One accident two years later. - needs fixing.
    • The name March is a contrived acronym based on the initials of the founders, the 'M' stands for Mosley.[5]. - double full stop, and the comma could also be replaced by a semi-colon.
    • In motor sport teams that manufacturer and race their own cars are called a works team (also known as a factory team), a customer team runs cars that are manufactured by someone else. March producted cars for there own works team and for customer teams. - very clumsy section.
      • Better?
    • The factory also sold 40 cars to customers in various lower formulae - "40" can be replaced with "forty". - done
    • Mosley was invited to the meetings of the Grand Prix Constructors' Association (GPCA) as a representative of March, the GPCA was the forerunner of Formula One Constructors Association(FOCA). - another sentence break needed, plus a space before the bracketed abbreviation.
    • Terry Lovell, in his biography of Ecclestone, has suggested that the FIA president appointed Mosley to this role not only because of his legal ability, but "saw in Mosley the necessary diplomatic and political skills that made him perfectly suited to the establishment of the FIA." - I think this would read better if "also because he" were to be inserted before the beginning of the quotation.
    • Mosley was heavily involved in the conflict between FOCA and FISA for control of the sport: the FISA-FOCA War. - a bit redundant, as "the conflict between FOCA and FISA" can be linked to "FISA-FOCA War".
    • "We were absolutely skint." - the wiktionary link can be formatted to avoid showing the hyperlink arrow.
    • A revised version, signed in 1998, still governs F1 today. This current Concorde Agreement expired on December 31, 2007 and a new one is under active discussion. - a degree of contradiction here.
    • Mosley returned to Formula One in 1986 - when did he leave, if he was involved with FOCA after March?
    • In the section on Simtek, is it worth mentioning that the team would go on to compete in F1?
      • Possibly slightly off-topic, as Mosley wasn't involved at that point. The fact that Ratzenburger drove for Simtek is mentioned later, so the information is there, if not explicit. 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)[reply]
    • ``Now they can judge me in a year's time." - two different styles of quotation marks used.
    • The main article link below the FIA heading should link to Fédération Internationale de l'Automobile, not FIA (redirect).
    • the use of treaded tyres to reduce cornering speeds - treaded-->grooved?
    • which were first introduced into Formula One by the McLaren team but are currently banned by the FIA - missing full stop.
    • The Tobacco advertising section could also mention the scandal over Bernie Ecclestone's donation to the Labour Party, which is related to this topic.
    • After the 2007 Formula One espionage controversy Mosley has said he thought that McLaren had been less than honest but denied that he had a problem with Ron Dennis. [62] - space between end of sentence and reference superscript.
    • The Criticism section focusses entirely on the 2005 US GP and the 2007 season - could other elements such as the criticism of the way in which rule changes are forced through on "safety grounds" or U-turns on policy such as the engine development freeze/KERS, or how "rule clarifications" are used to ban devices used by teams often after they have been passed by the race meeting scrutineers, e.g. mass dampers?
Just a few (minor) points to consider. ;)-- Diniz (talk) 20:02, 13 February 2008 (UTC)[reply]
In motor sport teams that manufacturer and race their own cars are called a works team (also known as a factory team), a customer team runs cars that are manufactured by someone else. March producted cars for there own works team and for customer teams - Sorry I have to put my hand up and take responsiblity for this mess!Tommy turrell (talk) 22:09, 13 February 2008 (UTC)[reply]
Cheers for the work, Diniz! 4u1e (talk) 09:08, 14 February 2008 (UTC)[reply]
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