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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like some feedback on it. Gary King (talk) 03:24, 27 January 2010 (UTC)
Crimsonfox's Comments
- General
- Ref 6 and 62 don't point to the correct links anymore
- Images need descriptive alt text
- Lead needs some serious expansion. The lead should contain a summary of all the headings in the article.
- Seeing as the references in the lead are backing up non-controversial information, they don't need to be in the lead
- Structure
- Crystarium - This section either should be merged with the rest of gameplay as it's too short of a section
- Cast - This information can all be put into prose and merged with the character section
- Release - Has a lot of one sentence paragraphs, some of these can be merged together as well as those lists. They don't contain information that can't be presented in prose without losing the point they're trying to put across.
- Reception - Could do with expanding but it is early days for the game seeing as it isn't out anywhere but Japan yet
- Reception - Personally I like having scores in a {{VG Reviews}} template so the numbers aren't cluttering the paragraphs and that space can be for specific comparisons about the game.
- Writing
- "A new interface was shown recently" - Specify a date. Imagine this was being read in the future, it would make no sense.
- HP and MP should be written in full the first time they are used eg. Hit Points(HP) then HP thereafter.
- "certain Roles, similar to the Job system" - I don't think "job" and "roles" need capitalisation, but you'll need to check with someone about that
- Roles and Paradigms - There's a lot of in-universe content in this section such as attack names. Imagine someone who doesn't know common FF names is reading this. Generalise them.
- "Roles, with a specific purpose in mind for each, are the only means by which to direct ally AI." - I get what this sentence is trying to say, but it's written oddly. Simplify it, I don't think all readers will understand it if they don't read it a couple of times.
- "as they were in Final Fantasy IV DS and Final Fantasy IX) will return in Final Fantasy XIII." - Remove "will"
- First mention of "mark of l'Cie" should give a brief explanation of what it is
- "When summoned, the Eidolon stay in" - "will stay in"
- "joins the summoned and its summoner somehow;" - Remove "somehow"
- Wikilink levelling system
- There's no Setting section which tends to be the norm
- Story - The use of colons and semi-colons needs to be revised. Check WP:MoS
- Story - Some of it is written in-universe eg "Some 1,300 years ago" could be "1,300 years prior to the events of the game".
- Characters - I'm not sure of practice regarding how bullets have been used in the character section. It seems like the names could easily be referred to in the first sentence of each paragraph so I'm not sure. Need some backup on this one.
- "Vanille" - "She also serving as the game's narrator" - She also serves as?
- Development "but none is a prequel or sequel to any " - Should it be "but is not a pre..."
- Devleopment "and appear in one Blu-ray disc" - Appear isn't the right word, possible "be on one Blu-ray disk"
All in all it's on it's way to becoming a good article. I think a lot of the information is there it just needs looking over and going through with a fine tooth comb. Don't just focus on the writing mistakes I've pointed out as I'm sure there are ones I missed. Good luck with the article, I'll put the PR on my watchlist for now to look out for questions. CrimsonFox talk 04:58, 27 January 2010 (UTC)
- Okay thanks for the review. I've done a bit more work on the article but will continue doing so. Gary King (talk) 09:27, 31 January 2010 (UTC)