Wikipedia:Peer review/Abismo Negro/archive1

Abismo Negro

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I'm going on vacation and thus can't respond to more comments. MPJ-DK (talk) 14:06, 30 April 2009 (UTC)

• A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for April 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I've been working on expanding it and getting the best possible sources in the hopes of making it the first Lucha Libre article to reach GA status and who knows, maybe even FA status one day. I'm hoping people will give me constructive feedback to improve the article and I will listen to everything and anything. Since English isn't my primary language any copyedit review comments would be greatly appreciated, but all comments are welcome.

Thanks in advance, MPJ-DK (talk) 05:09, 18 April 2009 (UTC)

I've addressed the following automated review comments

• Person data
• Contractions

I've yet to work on the lead, but I'm on it now, also the fact that "Abismo Negro" is both the article title and a headline is unavoidable. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments from Nikki

• Use endashes (–) between dates instead of dashes (-). For more, see WP:DASH.

• Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

• In the first paragraph under "Professional wrestling career". I'd either wikilink gimmick or change it to character.

• Done, went with the non-slag term. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

• It might make the first sentence under "Winners" make more sense if it was mentioned that Pena was CMLL's head booker.

• Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

• "made him visibly very striking" - sounds like original research or POV

• I didn't actually come up with the expression on my own, it was from a wrestling magazine that did a tribute article on him. I added the source to prevent any misunderstandings over the use of the term. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

• In the "Outside the ring" section, all the sentences start with his name. Mixing it up would make it sound better.

• Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

I also did some minor copyediting. Nikki♥311 23:35, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

• Thank you, every bit helps. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:24, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

Review by NiciVampireHeart

• The lead should be longer per WP:LEAD#Length.
  • In the works
• Biography section
  • Change "cleaning the gymnasiums" to "cleaning gymnasiums"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Professional wrestling career section
  • • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "Japanese Samurai tradition. in 1991 Palomeque" - the "i" at the beginning of the sentence should be capitalised.
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Winners section
  • Change "fan favorite (called "Tecnico" in Mexico)" to "fan favorite (called a "Tecnico" in Mexico)"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Wikilink "gimmick" or reword it to something like "in-ring persona"
    • Done, went with the less "in universe" term. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • In the seond paragraph of the section, the first letter of the first sentence (i.e. in) should be capitalised.
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "the good looking Tecnicó became even more of a female favorite" - source? It's pov to say he's good looking without providing a source.
    • Done, I wrote with the source in hand but didn't cite it - d'oh. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Change "Then a month later Winners" to "Then, a month later, Winners" - correct punctuation/grammar.
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "Villano IV & May Flowers" - spell out the ampersand to "and"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Abismo Negro section
  • Change the comma (,) after "Palomeque was repackaged" to a semi-colon (;)
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • You say "a cheating bad guy (referred to as a heel)" in this section. I personally think it would make more sense to call him the Mexican version (rudo, I think), as you said technico, not face, earlier in the article.
    • Done and very good point. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Change "recent Vipers member" to "new Vipers member"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Change "caused problems (kayfabe) between LLL's leader" to something like "caused storyline problems between LLL's leader"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "Negro almost repeated as Rey de Reyes" - doesn't really make sense to me.
    • Fixed, he almost won it two years in a row. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Total Nonstop Action Wrestling section
  • Again, "in the following weeks" should be capitalised as "In the following weeks".
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Return to AAA section
  • You use "face" in this section, when you've been using "technico" above. I'd stick to just "technico", or else it gets confusing.
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "but Negro eventually reconciled their differences" should probably be "but they eventually reconciled their differences"
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "was sent to a tour with Pro Wrestling Noah" should either be "was sent on a tour with Pro Wrestling Noah" or "was sent to tour with Pro Wrestling Noah".
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Black Abyss section
  • You need to cleanup this up --> "Martinete"([[tombstone piledriver)
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • "seemed to be building a Luchas de Apuestas fight" should have a "to" in there - i.e. "seemed to be building to a Luchas de Apuestas fight"
• Outside the ring section
  • • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • source for the info about "Gimnasio Abismo Negro"?
    • Done,as before I undersouced when I wrote it. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Death section
  • No need to state his full name - just Palomeque will do.
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Change "cause of death was drowning, no further investigation" to "cause of death was drowning, and no further investigation".
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Change "without their masks on as to keep the" to "without their masks on, to keep the".
    • Done. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
• Championships and accomplishments section
  • Is there a source for his PWI 500 ranking?
    • I'm not sure, I will try to find as a reliable a source as possible. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)

-- ♥Nici♥Vampire♥Heart♥ 08:07, 26 April 2009 (UTC)

• Thank you for your input, very much apriciated. MPJ-DK (talk) 09:38, 27 April 2009 (UTC)