NSully83

/Archive 1

Draft Feedback

NSully83,

Be careful about your word choice, you frequently use words like conversely and manifest which are unwise choices when trying to appeal to a large variety of people. I know its hard, but its important to remember that WP is not a place for prose, your word choice should be straight to the point. You should eliminate most prepositional phrases and basically any other words that don't help you demonstrate your point. Add hyperlinks, too. Especially because this is a topic that there are terms and movements unfamiliar to those outside of the culture. Lastly, it is a bit deceitful to group together drinking and Hip Hop Culture and creates unfair assumptions about what Hip Hop Culture means to those inside of the subculture. This should be removed. In short, just simplify what you've got. Your information is good, it just could be presented in a more matter-of-fact way.

AbbeyMaynard (talk) 02:18, 24 October 2013 (UTC)

Draft Feedback

Here are a few final suggestions before you go live with the article.

Get rid of parentheses in the article, it makes the information you're providing easier for a reader to dismiss. In the translated section you include, there's a lot of jargon. To combat this, include a combination of simplifying the information you're including and provide more hyperlinks. Link people and places! Hyperlink animist, too. You also do what i'd call 'drive-by' citing with Hip Hop Culture. You mention it, but don't elaborate. Maybe contextualize hip hop culture in Senegal? Also, I'd include what religion they're practicing sooner in the piece. And talk about religion in relation to colonization. Besides that, it's looking pretty good!

AbbeyMaynard (talk) 22:03, 13 November 2013 (UTC)

Religion and beliefs in Senegal draft feedback

Hi NSully83.

I'm assuming that your final article will include both the translated text from the French article and the section on youth religiosity. Here's some feedback on your draft:

• Right now it looks as if the entire translated portion is unreferenced. I see that in the French article they just listed their sources without incorporating inline citations, which is unfortunate. I've gone through articles before and converted reference lists to inline citations, but that process can be very time consuming. I think copying the bibliography from the French article would at least allow for readers to have a general idea on where the information came from.
• For the Islam section, it is generally preferred to have paragraphs than bulleted lists.
• The French article has some photographs that you could use to illustrate your draft. The first paragraph of the Islam section says to see attached photo but there is none. There's also a category for religion in Senegal on Wikimedia Commons if you're interested in using other images.
• The Markovitz, Irving Leonard source listed in the references section doesn't appear to be used in the draft.
• Your article needs to incorporate [[links]] to other articles.

That's all I have for now. Let me know if you need help with anything. Gobōnobō ^{+ c} 21:50, 19 November 2013 (UTC)