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Latest comment: 11 years ago1 comment1 person in discussion
I've copyedited this article in response to Jonjonjohny's request at the Guild of Copyeditors page. I think I've addressed all the major prose issues (and Americanized the spelling and punctuation, though I may have missed some British-style dates in the references). I noticed a couple of other problems that are outside the scope of a copy edit. I'm noting them here, for Jonjonjohny or whoever else to address.
Early in the first section is this sentence: "The band decided to use lyrical elements that they had intended to use in the first album but that did not fully materialize." The article used as a reference for the sentence (now archived at http://web.archive.org/web/20130117233146/http://blurt-online.com/blogs/view/5751/) does not actually support it. If somebody can find a reference that does support it, I feel that "but that did not fully materialize" isn't the best way of wording the statement. Depending on what the source says, something along the lines of "but that were not included because they did not seem fully developed at the time" might work. I wish I could think of a more compact way to say that.
The article makes several references to tours the band went on while promoting the album. The tours are all over now, but the sources for some of these statements pre-date the tours, so in several places the article says the band "planned to" go here or there. The sources don't say that these tours did take place—they probably did, but without sources from after the fact it can't be demonstrated that they weren't canceled because of a sudden case of laryngitis, or whatever other mishap. Once the sources are there, all the "planned to"s can be taken out.
[Fair use rationale checked out good for infobox image].
"The band members of La Dispute took..." not sure you need "of La Dispute" really, no ambiguity exists as to which band you're talking about.
"No Sleep Records" is a label not in italics, "Better Living" is a label but is in italics, be consistent with the formatting.
" that- while " -> "that – while" etc.
" home town Grand Rapids-" perhaps "home town of Grand Rapids –..."
"Somewhere at the" or "Somewhere At the...." be consistent with the album title.
"on the long time between" loathe as I am to repeat "delay", it's better than "long time"...
"The writing of the album did not start until a year after La Dispute's debut album" seems to conflict with "The album was written over a very long period, with the first complete track being created as early as late 2009".
"two months straight," no need for "straight".
"during which they had writing sessions lasting twelve to fourteen" during which their writing sessions lasted twelve to fourteen...
"They recorded the remainder..." -> "La Dispute recorded..."
"does very long takes" dislike "does", perhaps "makes"?
"described as having" by whom?
Several quotes throughout that aren't attributed, e.g. "delicate fingerpicked work and ripping chords", "emotionally draining" etc. Should say who said these things.
Don't think you need to link faith.
"a Poem" is sometimes in quotes not italics, sometimes not in quotes but in italics (i.e. a Poem), be consistent.
"Singer and lyricist Jordan Dreyer.." you've already introduced him in previous sections...
" posted a blog post" repetitive.
"via SIQ SHIT" what is "SIQ SHIT"?
"free to download. The download, although free," repetitive.
"organization that is dedicated" no need for "that is".
"added up to" ->" totaled"
"in Europe, Australia and North America, respectively" no need for "respectively".
Balance And Composure look like they're actually called Balance and Composure.
Similar comment applies to Make Do and Mend.
"off of"? you mean "from"?
" in September 2012[45]" period missing.
What is the notability of "The 1st Five"?
" the albums large stylistic" apostrophe missing.
"Sputnik Music " is called "Sputnikmusic " according to our article.
" it achieved some attention for end-of-year" -> "it featured in some end-of-year"?
1. Amendments have been met to the best of my ability.
2. I believe all files (visual and audio) fit the criteria of fair use.
3. The 1st Five has editorial oversight, in-depth reviewing, (from my perspective) good quality grammar and writing, just so happens to be published online.
